one-liner jokes

Posts: 23 · Joined: 24 Jan 2005 Posts: 23 Location: New York

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls--t before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? .... Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

14. I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh.

Posts: 7 · Joined: 25 Feb 2005 Posts: 7

Posts: 8 · Joined: 25 Feb 2005 Posts: 8 Location: nevada

NICE!

Posts: 11 · Joined: 23 May 2005 Posts: 11 Location: Arkansas

Very funny I laughed out loud at more than one, thank you Laughing

Here's one of my own experiences:
A little old lady is admitted from a nursing home in the middle of the night. Unfortunately she was not very clean. The NA and myself were giving her a bath and we were doing the pericare when she looked up at us and whispered... those are not hairs down there...we looked at each other and nodded seriously to each other, she's disoriented, we both were thinking. So we asked her, really then what are they? Their cobwebs! I still laugh to this day when I think of this episode.

Posts: 77 · Joined: 10 Jan 2005 Posts: 77

ornursern wrote:

Very funny I laughed out loud at more than one, thank you Laughing

Here's one of my own experiences:
A little old lady is admitted from a nursing home in the middle of the night. Unfortunately she was not very clean. The NA and myself were giving her a bath and we were doing the pericare when she looked up at us and whispered... those are not hairs down there...we looked at each other and nodded seriously to each other, she's disoriented, we both were thinking. So we asked her, really then what are they? Their cobwebs! I still laugh to this day when I think of this episode.

very, very scary!